Lost and Foundanaaa
Trying to catch up with your faery good friend (who's just touched down safely in Melbourne less than 20 hrs ago) via online chat,while trying to
1) conduct a phone conversation with a respectable Chinese doctor, AND
2) explain the discovery of a screwed-up work situation to your girlfriend who's also online,
is, difficult.
My cerebral synapses fire off English responses through my keyboard, while I try to speak cool crisp Beijing-accented Mandarin into the phone.
The phone, pressed between my left shoulder and left ear, giggled while my left hand tried to type.
My right hand pauses in awe at this silly sight, and then quietly and slavishly started scribbling down important things the Chinese doctor had to say about the modern Chinese medicine program's script.
This in a nutshell, summarizes the want-to-do-it-all-at-the-same-time greediness I suffer from.
Greediness, leads to suffering. Let that be your wisecrack this week.
Inexplicably, I almost always get myself into situations where I have to juggle sex, love, friendships, work, studies, sanity and vanity in tornado fashion.
So far, me being the lucky bastard that I have been, things have all been a tiny bit more successful than screwed up.
At least that's what I presume, from retrospection. The faery good friend agreed with the "tiny bit more successful than screwed up bit." I'll get round to that in a while.
Let me talk about the closely related-to-retrospection "Introspection" first.
Don't worry I get involved in introspection too. It's a sick hobby.
"Introspection," ladies and gentlemen, that scary cousin of "retrospection," is devoid of nostalgia and sentimentality in my strange opinion.
"You're too hard on yourself" the faery good friend typed.
I smile. She is a tad more generous with comforting words these days. Being mellow suits her. But I'm expecting a fire-storm somewhere down the line when she returns to hot and wet Singapore.
We la-leh-lor Singaporeans, together with the 38 degrees heat and the 98% humiditiy, will be right here waiting to test her mettle.
"You are just impatient" she remarked, that night we drove out for cocktails, but ended up with coconut ice-cream.
That night,
I told her about feeling lost in my career choices. I also told her about the current projects I was involved with. She concluded I was "doing well" in a message she sent me last night when she touched down safely in Melbourne.**
(**I gave her two brollies via MSN. Yes, two measly tiny supposedly humourous pictures. And joked that brollies would come in handy if the plane couldn't stay in the air. Ya, that was real lame. I concur.)
"Was wonderful to catch up with u whilst I was back. Good to see you doing well," Sent the faery good one, via www.sms.ac.
Hmz...I spent quite an amount of time that night doing some silly aspirational-class whining and her conclusion...?
I was doing well.
I, was,
doing well.
I was?
Well, actually, yes. I WAS and AM doing well!
I arrived at that conclusion myself however, around a week after that night, and a couple of days before that message arrived. Reading Buddhist books and grasping the concept of "impermanence" helped.
The faery good friend sent the message last night when I was already sound asleep, worn out from a day of script-grinding.
So it was fun this morning, to see the message in my handphone. It felt pretty good to start my day seeing the faery good one's SMS alchemically coincide with what I felt.
You're not screwed, or lost or wasted. You're ok! You're fine! Old Man!
I smile.
She didn't say those words. She didn't have to. It would've been a waste of time.
I indulged a little in the whining that night over the coconut ice-cream. And as usual, her incisive bits and pieces brought some sense and sensibility back into my world.
Of course, it's a tad self-congratulatory, I'll concur again, dear reader, to say,
"Hey, I'm doing pretty well."
But c'mon, better a bit beguiled, than steeped in existential angst, right?
You disagree? Maybe it's the Prozac NOT talking.
Why did the depressed artist cut his ear off? I don't know. Gogh figure.
haha.
Wait sorry,
Lame joke distraction alert.
Yes. Lost and Foundanaaa (say da~naaaaa~ with that Japanese "aahh, that's life isn't it?" relaxed Zen demeanour).
I lost something. A simple inner peace. and Found it. and it made me happy.
It was nothing more than a nitwit playing mind games with himself.
Why did I meander on for so long in this blog entry?All I wanted to say was, Life's good. The faery good one's good. I'm smiling, and I'm grateful.
posted by audaciousjoy @ 6:51 PM
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