meekia

NKF Murdered Altrusim

The murderer of altruism in Sillypore has finally been found. With compelling evidence from CSII (Chief Sillypore Injustice Investigation), the Supreme Judge yesterday found NKF (Not-Klear-Fundings) guilty of drowning altruism with a golden tap.

"The honourable name of my grandfather is no longer" said Dulankia-Durai the 4th. The Sebei-Dulan-Durai family had always deemed the proceedings "a historical error of epic proportions" but following the convincing verdict, Dulankia-Durai the 4th finally conceded the 5 decade long legal battle with SPH (Sillypore Press Hole)

For years, social scientists have been trying to understand the jaw-dropping hatred for volunteerism and charitable action in Sillypore. Many theories have been put forth by theologists, political analysts and taxi-drivers but none could explain the determination with which Singapore hung on to the global number 1 spot for least amount of donations to charity per capita.

In 2054, Sillyporeans, for the 12th consecutive year, donated exactly ZERO dollars to the needy.

"Things were never the same after they added another 'S' to the Great Sillypore Sale. What began as a summer retail gimmick became a money-sucking blackhole. The Great SLUTTY Sillypore Sale, marketed by SPG Inc., convinced Sillyporeans that they were better off buying Astroglide, whips and candles” noted Professor KiNG Kong Kiang, the first Singaporean to win the Noble Literature Prize with a comic book (filled with poetry).

“Sales for sexy things went up, and donations to tear-jerking-circuses went down. The Sillyapore government was worried for a while but the booming birthrates (and the thought of millions of new taxpayers born each year! woohoo!) more than made up for the lack of social empathy amongst the Unknown Citizens.”

In his usual elaborate fashion, Professor KiNG detailed NKF’s role in the murder of altruism:

“While the G.S.S.S was an important Socio-Cultural factor, the landmark event that kick-started it all had to be the NKF and SPH legal proceedings that began in 2005. The evil deeds committed by both parties were constantly unveiled to a shocked public. Eventually, shock became despair, despair became hatred and hatred became the catalyst for drastic social change. NKF killed altrism, and we started having more sex.”

“The NKF versus SPH lawsuit essentially seeded the GTR (Gorgeous Tremendous Revolution). In the late 2010s, a bunch of young Sillyporeans, all driving illegally modified vehicles, finally had enough of all the nonsense in Sillypore and decided to do something. They labelled themselves the B.E.A.T (bo-chup, enlightened, angry, teensters) generation and launched a grand social experiment that rivaled China's Cultural Revolution. The GTR culminated in The Great Enlightening (which coincided with the 1st G.S.S.S) and altruistic financial action became a shocking social crime thereafter.

"I'm so fucking glad I've never donated a cent to NKF" declared Mr BoBo Budak Junior, world-famous kitchen appliances designer and winner of "The Singapore Success Prize" 2054.

"My great-grandmother used to tell me and my cousins stories about 'The Evil Mr TTD' and she would always end her tales with that proud statement. In fact, I've never donated a single fucking cent to anyone. It's become a noble Budak family tradition." Mr. BBBJ's words echoes the sentiments of those who grew up during years of The Great Enlightening and the GTR.

“All the money that we spend on sex, and on our babies, and their education, we will never donate to anyone” shared Miss Izzy 42nd, grand heiress to the SPG Inc. queendom who will take over in 2056.

“The only people that deserve 12-month bonuses are creative entrepreneurs like myself, and great politicians like Lee-DoubleM-The-First. No one should get rich asking for money on behalf of needy people. TTD was on his way towards the league of Mao and Hitler. Thank god SPH pressed his hairy black hole in time, and stopped him from sucking in MORE money...” added Miss Izzy 42nd’s mother, the billionaire CEOyster* Mdm Izzy-Blitzy-the-zzy 41st.

Perhaps, the sentiments of Raul Tan, Eurasian Sillyporean taxi driver**, summarized the opinions of most locals.

“The legal battle indirectly created a Sillypore revolution. Because Sillyporeans stopped spending on altruism, they now had amazing amounts of money for art, sex, poetry and tech-gadgets. Most importantly, they now have money to take cabs to cafes for important discussions on culture and politics. Altruism died, and we all benefited. In a strange way, I am thankful to NKF.”

2055. 13 July.
Hitchhiker Guide Entry - #4686167-FMAH-Sillypore-Supreme-Court

End of Hitchhiker entry.
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Sidenotes:

* Feminists finally won the war against patriarchal labels in 2036. A humorous Harvard Third Wave feminist-poet changed the corporate leader tag from CEO to CEOyster (pronounced SEA-Oyster or SEE-Oyster). “I thought it was a cute analogy for what men would see when they get on their knees, and what they should eat more to get the necessary nutrients and energy to serve us” said a wrinkled Dr. Paris Hilton (yes, she left the celebrity life behind and pursued her PhD in Literature from Harvard).

** Sillyporeans got so sick of Eurasians by the mid 2020s (because of all the media exposure they garnered from advertising, modelling, stardom etc), that by 2055, the only jobs these beautiful creatures could get were blue-collar gigs.


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posted by audaciousjoy @ 12:52 AM